Peter McHardy has been married for 54 years this November. But as he puts it, it hasn乌鸦传媒檛 been one marriage. It乌鸦传媒檚 been two.
乌鸦传媒淭here was the one before the diagnosis,乌鸦传媒� he said. 乌鸦传媒淎nd there乌鸦传媒檚 the one after.乌鸦传媒�
His wife, Alma, was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment more than 10 years ago. That diagnosis marked the beginning of a new chapter, not one filled with retirement plans or travel, but with caregiving, trial-and-error treatments and daily decisions to stay present, kind and calm in the face of slow, irreversible change.
The couple's first marriage was built on teamwork and shared joy. He worked, she ran the household, and together they entertained, travelled and built a life side by side. Their second marriage is built on patience, persistence and daily acts of care, from managing medications to creating moments of joy each day. Because McHardy is now Alma乌鸦传媒檚 full-time caregiver.
"It乌鸦传媒檚 brand new for most people"
According to Family Caregivers of BC, more than eight million Canadians are caregivers. Together, they provide over seven billion hours of unpaid care each year, the equivalent of nearly three million full-time jobs.
乌鸦传媒淚f they stopped tomorrow, the health care system would collapse,乌鸦传媒� the organization states.
乌鸦传媒淧eople know about cancer. They know about Alzheimer乌鸦传媒檚, sort of,乌鸦传媒� McHardy said. 乌鸦传媒淏ut when it乌鸦传媒檚 happening to you, it乌鸦传媒檚 all brand new. If you乌鸦传媒檙e a paid caregiver, the system thanks you. But as a family caregiver? You乌鸦传媒檙e alone.乌鸦传媒�
That乌鸦传媒檚 where the Cowichan Family Caregivers Support Society (CFCSS) comes in.
The Vancouver Island-based organization provides emotional, practical and systems-level support to unpaid caregivers across the region. They offer one-on-one guidance, peer support groups, education and advocacy, all while operating with just five part-time staff and a budget that continually hovers near the edge.
They currently support more than 250 caregivers. There are 24 more on their waitlist.
McHardy, a resident of the Vancouver Island community of Ladysmith is now an ambassador for the society and runs a coffee group for male caregivers.
乌鸦传媒淭hey helped me navigate the health care system,乌鸦传媒� he said. 乌鸦传媒淲hat I乌鸦传媒檝e learned, I now share with other caregivers in our coffee group.乌鸦传媒�
CFCSS's goal is simple: "to reduce caregiver stress, increase resilience and ensure no one walks the path alone.乌鸦传媒�
乌鸦传媒淓very day, I try to create one moment of joy乌鸦传媒�
McHardy乌鸦传媒檚 approach to caregiving is both practical and philosophical. His days are filled with routine: preparing meals, managing medications, attending appointments and helping Alma through confusion, fear and frustration.
乌鸦传媒淚乌鸦传媒檓 sad every day,乌鸦传媒� he said. But each morning, he makes a choice.
乌鸦传媒淓very day, I try to create one moment of joy for the two of us,乌鸦传媒� McHardy said.
He often returns to a parable he likes to share.
乌鸦传媒淵ou乌鸦传媒檝e got two dogs inside you. You乌鸦传媒檝e got a negative dog and a positive dog. And they fight all the time. And you ask which one wins? The answer is: the one you feed the most.乌鸦传媒�
McHardy feeds the good dog.
乌鸦传媒淓verything乌鸦传媒檚 been a bit of a disappointment乌鸦传媒�
After Alma乌鸦传媒檚 diagnosis, the couple pursued every treatment they could. They tried red light therapy, physiotherapy, nutritional programs, acupuncture, mould testing and sauna therapy.
乌鸦传媒淓verything乌鸦传媒檚 been a bit of a disappointment,乌鸦传媒� he said. 乌鸦传媒淏ecause she乌鸦传媒檚 not bad enough, and yet she乌鸦传媒檚 worse.乌鸦传媒�
Medications were a process of trial and error. One caused the sensation of ants crawling up Alma乌鸦传媒檚 legs. Others didn乌鸦传媒檛 work 乌鸦传媒� or worked for a while, then stopped.
Eventually, McHardy realized they couldn乌鸦传媒檛 do it alone.
乌鸦传媒淚 thought I didn乌鸦传媒檛 need help乌鸦传媒�
Like many caregivers, McHardy resisted support at first.
乌鸦传媒淚乌鸦传媒檝e got some male tendencies,乌鸦传媒� he said with a smile. 乌鸦传媒淭he 乌鸦传媒業乌鸦传媒檒l take care of it乌鸦传媒� thing.乌鸦传媒�
Ten years ago, he didn乌鸦传媒檛 think he needed the CFCSS. Five years ago, he reconsidered. A year ago, he made the call.
乌鸦传媒淎fter the first meeting, I signed up,乌鸦传媒� he said.
Now he乌鸦传媒檚 one of the society乌鸦传媒檚 strongest advocates.
乌鸦传媒淭hey乌鸦传媒檙e doing extraordinary work but they乌鸦传媒檙e underfunded,乌鸦传媒� McHardy said, stressing the importance of fundraising.
The emotional and practical support he receives helps him focus on what matters most: keeping Alma safe, cared for and at home as long as possible.
What happens if I die?
As Alma乌鸦传媒檚 dementia progresses, tough decisions follow.
乌鸦传媒淭he last six months have seen a more rapid decline,乌鸦传媒� he said, 乌鸦传媒渇orcing me to re-evaluate how to best take care of her and what the near future really holds.乌鸦传媒�
To show up fully for Alma, McHardy has to care for himself, too. That means a minimum of 10,000 steps a day, garage workouts, music when the mood dips and embracing his emotions.
乌鸦传媒淜ey for me is to be proactive in addressing a number of what if乌鸦传媒檚, such as: What if I pass away first? What will my life look like if she is in long term care or what will my life be like without her?乌鸦传媒�
Two marriages, one vow
McHardy continues to walk two paths, honouring the joyful life they built together while navigating the difficult road of caregiving with grace and determination. Their first marriage may be behind them, but their second is no less real.
乌鸦传媒淚 acknowledge my grief and that I am slowly losing the love of my life,乌鸦传媒� he said. 乌鸦传媒淭he reality that I have two Almas and the need for me to be full time on her journey has proven to work for us.乌鸦传媒�
Their second marriage is sustained not just by love, but by community, and by the practical, emotional support offered by the Cowichan Family Caregivers Support Society.
乌鸦传媒淚乌鸦传媒檓 married to a different person now,乌鸦传媒� McHardy said. 乌鸦传媒淏ut I乌鸦传媒檓 still her husband.乌鸦传媒�
And just as he honours both versions of Alma, McHardy honours both marriages, keeping his vow with every step.
To learn more about the Cowichan Family Caregivers Support Society visit their website at .
