Sheilan Laing doesn乌鸦传媒檛 like to talk about why he doesn乌鸦传媒檛 play hockey.

Being unable to lace up his skates and get out there for a good skate 乌鸦传媒� feeling the wind in his face as he picks up speed, hearing the crunch of his blades cutting into the ice and the sound of teammates and foes battling for the puck 乌鸦传媒� not playing is a scar that runs deep with the 37 year old Chilliwack man.

When he thinks about why he乌鸦传媒檚 not playing, old feelings bubble to the surface, and he relives the moment that forced him to the sidelines.

He feels frustration and anger as the images flash in his mind.

A playoff game in a men乌鸦传媒檚 hockey league. A spirited battle along the boards. A vicious and totally unnecessary cross-check to the back of his head by an agitated opponent.

乌鸦传媒淚 believe it was the final game of the final playoff series,乌鸦传媒� Laing says. 乌鸦传媒淚 was checking him along the boards, just working hard. I turned around to head off the ice for a line change, and guys from both teams say he hit me from behind in the head.

乌鸦传媒淚 was knocked out before I even hit the ice.乌鸦传媒�

Laing doesn乌鸦传媒檛 remember any of that.

Instead, he remembers sitting in the dressing room crying, and the anguish he felt knowing that he was concussed.

Again.

乌鸦传媒淚t wasn乌鸦传媒檛 even anger that I felt,乌鸦传媒� he says quietly. 乌鸦传媒淭hat came later. What I felt in that moment was despair because I knew what I was going to have to go through everything all over again.乌鸦传媒�

^

^

Laing was no stranger to concussions before that terrible night.

He figures he started down that path in bantam. He was a smaller player then, learning to hit and be hit, and he remembers 乌鸦传媒渟eeing stars.乌鸦传媒�

乌鸦传媒淚 was knocked unconscious twice in my first year of bantam,乌鸦传媒� he says. 乌鸦传媒淏ut back then it was kind of, 乌鸦传媒楪et your mind straight and get back out on the ice.

A few years later, after experiencing a significant growth spurt, Laing found himself playing junior B in Nelson.

He was hammered into the boards by an opponent and knocked out.

乌鸦传媒淚 was probably out for a week or a week-and-a-half after that hit and I wasn乌鸦传媒檛 feeling good whatsoever, but the team doctors said I was ready to go back in,乌鸦传媒� Laing says. 乌鸦传媒淚 told them I didn乌鸦传媒檛 feel right, but it got to the point where the coach said, 乌鸦传媒業f you don乌鸦传媒檛 get back out on the ice, we乌鸦传媒檙e going to be looking to trade you.乌鸦传媒�

乌鸦传媒淪o I got back out there, and within the first 10 minutes of my first game I got flattened by a guy and was concussed again.

乌鸦传媒淪everal of my teammates told me later that the coach was yelling, 乌鸦传媒楪et up you pussy!乌鸦传媒櫸谘淮�媒�

The Nelson coach was true to his word, trading Laing to the Castlegar Rebels soon after. Advised by a non-team affiliated doctor to stop playing hockey, Laing told Castlegar that he was walking away from junior B at 18 years old.

乌鸦传媒淎t that point, I couldn乌鸦传媒檛 even walk around without getting dizzy,乌鸦传媒� he says. 乌鸦传媒淚 had headaches all the time and the bright lights of a rink made me feel disoriented. That went on for years afterwards and the worst part is I blamed myself. I thought I wasn乌鸦传媒檛 乌鸦传媒榯ough enough乌鸦传媒� to get through it, and I was the one who quit.乌鸦传媒�

Through it all, Laing乌鸦传媒檚 love of hockey never wavered.

He stopped because he had to, but he never lost the desire to play.

Laing grew up playing hockey with a lot of guys in Chilliwack, and figured the local men乌鸦传媒檚 rec league would be a relatively safe way to scratch the hockey itch. Most of the players he played with and against knew something of his history and recognized that he was at high risk for another concussion.

乌鸦传媒淚t乌鸦传媒檚 not like there was an unwritten rule to not hit me or anything like that,乌鸦传媒� he says. 乌鸦传媒淏ut guys are pretty respectful about that type of thing. It乌鸦传媒檚 supposed to be non-contact and I was a pretty big guy who could handle himself, but if there was a skirmish I乌鸦传媒檇 just turn away or push around a bit and find a way to get out of it.乌鸦传媒�

It was six years from leaving junior B to the night he was blindsided in the men乌鸦传媒檚 league game.

Laing was now 26 years old, married with his first child on the way.

Laing only missed three works of work after the hit.

The after-effects of the concussion lasted way longer, wreaking havoc in his life.

He found that he could barely remember anything from his childhood, and memory lapses made it difficult to function at work, where he was a construction site foreman.

Depression and anxiety already plagued him, and got much worse as he struggled to regain what was lost.

乌鸦传媒淚 resorted to a lot of drinking to get through it,乌鸦传媒� he admits. 乌鸦传媒淭hat took a toll on my marriage.乌鸦传媒�

Laing actually started drinking and experimenting with drugs a lot earlier, when he was a teenager in Nelson. It乌鸦传媒檚 a common story with young hockey players who move away from home and experience 乌鸦传媒榝reedom乌鸦传媒� for the first time, encouraged in their excess by teammates who are two or three years older. By the time he left junior B, the alcohol and drugs were as much about self-medicating as anything else.

乌鸦传媒淚 didn乌鸦传媒檛 know it at the time, I had no idea why I was doing it, but I was depressed and anxious and feeling horrible about myself and the shitty way that it (his hockey career) ended,乌鸦传媒� Laing says. 乌鸦传媒淏y the time it fell apart in Nelson, I was drinking to the point of blacking out,乌鸦传媒� Laing says. 乌鸦传媒淲hen I got back to Chilliwack I just partied for three or four years until I met my wife. Even after that, I was drinking way too much.乌鸦传媒�

Up to and following the last concussion, it remained a major issue in his life. When he drank too much, he lost every shred of control. He was emotionally volatile, willing to fight anyone at the drop of a hat and he乌鸦传媒檇 lash out at anyone, even his wife.

Fortunately, he married a woman (Jill) who was blessed with tremendous patience.

乌鸦传媒淪he乌鸦传媒檚 always been there for me,乌鸦传媒� he says, smiling. 乌鸦传媒淢any times our relationship has struggled because of the stuff I乌鸦传媒檝e gone through and she乌鸦传媒檚 stood by me. It乌鸦传媒檚 not one thing she乌鸦传媒檚 ever said or done, but I honestly don乌鸦传媒檛 think there乌鸦传媒檚 a chance I乌鸦传媒檇 be here today without her.乌鸦传媒�

In his lowest moments, Laing thought about walking away from life. Thinking about Jill and his two children was all that kept him going.

乌鸦传媒淓very day I乌鸦传媒檇 be driving down the road and I乌鸦传媒檇 think, 乌鸦传媒業 can just crash into that telephone pole or drive off this bridge, and I came very close,乌鸦传媒� he says. 乌鸦传媒淚 had pills for the depression and anxiety and I乌鸦传媒檇 just stare at it thinking, 乌鸦传媒業 could take the whole bottle.乌鸦传媒�

乌鸦传媒淚 thought about buying a gun. I thought about hanging myself in my garage. I didn乌鸦传媒檛 care about myself and the only thing that brought me back was my wife and kids and thinking about the harm I乌鸦传媒檇 be causing them.乌鸦传媒�

A turn for the better came when Laing heard a radio advertisement for the Advanced Concussion Clinic in Vancouver.

The specialists were the first to show any understanding of what he was going through.

乌鸦传媒淵ou have a broken arm and people can see that you乌鸦传媒檙e hurt, but you have a concussion and no one knows how you乌鸦传媒檙e feeling inside,乌鸦传媒� Laing explains. 乌鸦传媒淚 went to my family doctor for years and he had no idea what to do with me.

乌鸦传媒淪o I drove all the way down to Oak Street in Vancouver on my own dime.乌鸦传媒�

Since walking through the doors to that clinic, Laing has learned a ton about concussions and how to cope with the physical and mental havoc they create.

乌鸦传媒淏ut I don乌鸦传媒檛 think you ever feel normal again, you just feel like you乌鸦传媒檙e a little better,乌鸦传媒� he says. 乌鸦传媒淭his last year, especially since I quit drinking alcohol, I think it乌鸦传媒檚 given my brain more of an opportunity to heal. I乌鸦传媒檝e worked on a lot of mental stuff through it all, therapy and everything, and I feel better than I have since I was 17.乌鸦传媒�

But there are still times when he doesn乌鸦传媒檛 feel well.

Eleven years later, there are moments when he struggles to remember the name of someone he met just five minutes ago.

He has a day planner. He literally writes everything down, because he has to.

乌鸦传媒淯nless I write it down, I乌鸦传媒檒l forget,乌鸦传媒� he says. 乌鸦传媒淭here are times when I go into a room with people I乌鸦传媒檝e met a dozen times and I can乌鸦传媒檛 remember their name, and there are times when I can乌鸦传媒檛 remember the name of a certain product or pipe that I乌鸦传媒檝e used for 15 years. I can乌鸦传媒檛 get the word out and it gets embarrassing and frustrating because now they乌鸦传媒檙e thinking I don乌鸦传媒檛 know what I乌鸦传媒檓 talking about. And that乌鸦传媒檚 where anxiety comes in.乌鸦传媒�

Playing hockey again? Still a dream.

Laing attempted to come back a couple times, playing four games here or five games there.

乌鸦传媒淏ut I just couldn乌鸦传媒檛 do it, because I get disoriented when my heart-rate gets too high,乌鸦传媒� he laments. 乌鸦传媒淭he last time I tried, I was out there for a shift and one of my teammates said, 乌鸦传媒榥ice pass乌鸦传媒� and I didn乌鸦传媒檛 even know what they were talking about. They could see it. They could see that I wasn乌鸦传媒檛 the same player anymore.

There was a point when revenge was on Laing乌鸦传媒檚 mind and the only thing he thought about was getting back onto the ice so he could challenge the guy whose cheap shot triggered this nightmare.

He admits he even took steroids for a while, because the guy he乌鸦传媒檇 be going after 乌鸦传媒渋s a mean and tough cat.乌鸦传媒�

Nowadays, he乌鸦传媒檚 about forgiveness.

The man who did this too him has apologized many times since, pretty much every time the two run into each other in public.

A more mature Laing says life乌鸦传媒檚 too short to hold grudges, even well-deserved ones.

But that doesn乌鸦传媒檛 mean he乌鸦传媒檚 cool with how it happened, how it was allowed to happen, and how it could happen again.

乌鸦传媒淎 lot of the guys in the rec league have played rep or junior hockey their whole lives, so they have that competitiveness in them,乌鸦传媒� he explains. 乌鸦传媒淣ear the end of the year and into playoffs, we understand that it gets amped up a bit. There乌鸦传媒檚 a little more body. A little more stick-work. Emotions run a little higher and we乌鸦传媒檙e totally find with that. I was involved in that too.

乌鸦传媒淏ut when it comes to cheap shots from behind or taking a guy乌鸦传媒檚 knee out, that乌鸦传媒檚 unacceptable.乌鸦传媒�

The solution, he says, must be a zero tolerance policy, especially for hits to the head.

乌鸦传媒淔irst offence, gone for the rest of the year. Second offence, gone for good,乌鸦传媒� Laing says with conviction. 乌鸦传媒淭hese are all guys trying to earn a living right? You can乌鸦传媒檛 be taking three or four months off to recover from an injury. You get a guy who hip-checks someone and breaks his leg or dislocates his knee, and the guy who乌鸦传媒檚 hit can乌鸦传媒檛 go to work for four months. What do you do about that? That乌鸦传媒檚 not right.乌鸦传媒�

When Laing comes back, as he eventually still plans to do, he hopes to come back to a league that is safer that the one he left.

乌鸦传媒淚 do miss it a lot,乌鸦传媒� he says wistfully. 乌鸦传媒淚 love the smell of the rink. I love walking in there and smelling the ice. The concession. The hockey gear. Say it乌鸦传媒檚 weird, but those are the smells I乌鸦传媒檝e grown up with my whole life. I love the people. I love being on the ice skating as fast as I can for a loose puck. Scoring goals. Making a big play. All those things. Being on the ice or in the dressing room, just joking around. You miss that stuff.乌鸦传媒�

And now that he乌鸦传媒檚 finally putting his story out in the open, Laing also hopes that other concussion victims realize that they乌鸦传媒檙e not alone.

乌鸦传媒淚乌鸦传媒檓 at the point now where I乌鸦传媒檓 feeling better about myself and I can be a positive influence for someone who乌鸦传媒檚 might be going through exactly what I乌鸦传媒檝e been through,乌鸦传媒� he says. 乌鸦传媒淚f anyone reaches out to me, I乌鸦传媒檇 love to help them get through it quicker than I did, because it took a very long time for me.乌鸦传媒�

eric.welsh@theprogress.com
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